Stages of grief & lust for life
Yesterday around noon it was three years ago my dad gave out his last breath.
That last week with my father was one of the best gifts he gave me.
It connected me fully with my presence.
Being so near to death reminded me how much I LOVED life.
At that time, three years back, the foundation under my marriage had completely been swept away We where busy figuring out what route to take next.
Sometimes I felt incredibly brave.
I knew what I wanted and I boldly took action by following my gut feeling and my intuition.
On other times… not so.
The deeply hidden insecurities from my inner child raised their heads and asked to be recognized.
That last week with my dad stopped all that. My husband and I where one again, and I also felt how powerful I was on my own.
The clarity of where I was needed the most was like a healing balm for my wandering soul.
It was a very simple and grace filled task; be there for my dad in the last phases of his life.
While I grieved for my dad’s passing, his last resonance with me was one of pure delight of no longer having to carry the burden of his suffering body.
The freedom of his soul and the happiness I witnessed in him when he crossed over filled my heart with so much gratitude.
And I also received a message back for me, as a spectator, that I only can describe as being initiated with a holy ‘lust for life’.
A loving reminder how much this life of mine was worth, how worthy my soul was, and to just choose and create a life that I loved and would fulfil me.
After the the funeral and the weeks that followed I turned back to that message.
Inside of the grieving was a huge energy source. The letting go phase, the anger, the sadness of all things changing and nothing being permanent, it made me realize it also meant I was free to create completely new outcomes.
Not being bound by the rigidity of expectations! What freedom! What opportunity!
I found a deeper connection with my body’s wisdom by opening up and increasing my life force.
Of course, I sang more, but also went deep into the well of wisdom from Shakti movements, Dakini initiation’s, happier sexuality, awakening sensuality, to way more tuning into my own divine feminine wisdom.
I consciously moved through layers of anger, frustration, pain, sadness, lust, funniness, playfulness and connected with a holy awareness of my soul.
It helped me to create space for the many parts of my being I had never invited before to be heard and seen.
Grieving gave me a bit of a “fuck it” mentality. Let’s just do this. The dying thing is real as it get’s. Let’s not waste any more time by living life to other peoples rules.
There have been more phases in my grieving than I can share. It also coincided with a dark night of the soul, a void, and slowly a realization that life will never be the same.
To be honest, I’m so happy now it will always be different.
This beautiful adventure of life, who REALLY wants to know how life exactly will looks like in 20 years?
Not me. 
When I sat on the rocks at the sea two days ago I felt into life. I was so freaking happy and deeply satisfied.
I no longer have 10 year plans. I do however know how to connect with my life force, my soul, and with spirit guides (including my dad). Somehow that last day with my dad I think I gave him a promise to be true to my soul and listen to what she truly desires.
The last phase for my grief is accepting the truth of my soul and move with the changes of life.
I’m here to fully live it and I don’t hold back.
That to me feels like how I can honor my dad’s legacy best. 
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